On Not Sharing. Really.

I am, by nature, a share-er.  Sharer? One who shares.

When asked about my inner most thoughts and dreams, I have laughed at the idea of a thought remaining inner most.  The only thing inner about me is my belly button.  Even the thoughts I try not to vocalize end up all over my face and decidedly no longer inner most. I have been like this since birth.

And then I started a blog.

And suddenly I had even less inner most than before.  Like all bloggers, I began looking at the world around me as a source of inspiration for future blog posts.  Every joke that was told, every tear that was shed, every poorly dressed person that stood in front of me in the checkout line was seen through the filter of How Can I Turn This Into A Blog Post?

And then I joined Twitter.  And Facebook.

And I no longer was limited to looking at actual events or having to turn them into complete blog posts.  Now all I had to do was have a thought – a snippet of a thought, really – and I had a reason to share.  To be heard.  To be validated by someone at any moment of any day.

Before I knew it, I found that I no longer sat with my thoughts before sending them out into the world.  Not only didn’t I sit with them, I stopped letting them form. Really form. Much like my 5 year old’s inability to save up her allowance to purchase anything of meaning because she is SO. DAMN. EAGER. TO BUY. SOMETHING, I’ve been stockpiling the mental version of cheap plastic crap instead of… I don’t know… a bike.  A house.  A vacation.  A something that means something to someone for longer than 5 seconds.

In my rush to constantly be heard, I stopped having anything worthwhile to say.

I want to find out if I do, in fact, have an inner most.

I want to find out what will happen if I hold my thoughts inside for long enough for there to be a hierarchy of really important things to develop.  Things that must be said, are worth sharing.

I want, most importantly, to learn how to validate myself.  I want to be able to enjoy an idea, a train of thought, without having someone else tell me it matters.  I want to be able to be really and truly amused by myself without getting permission from someone else to laugh.  I want the freedom that comes from being able to both define and affirm who I am all on my own.

But I am, by nature, a sharer.

I’m not even sure if I have an inner most, let alone if it’s any good in there.

But I’d like to find out.

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