Lisa, May you find Shelter

Lisa and Britt at TequilaCon last year

Lisa and Britt at TequilaCon last year

My friend, our friend, Lisa died last night.

While I was sleeping in my bed, beside my husband, with my two small children sleeping in their rooms – she and hers were saying goodbye.

It is what it is, Lisa would say.

Clusterfook

Whether we were talking about her dying or internet trolls or the old boyfriends you can’t quite shake, she’d always come back to that. It is what it is. My mom will say to me sometimes, “I know, I know, it is what it is,” and I stop inside my own head because I realize that only I know how that philosophy came to be rooted so firmly in my life that other people mistakenly associate it with me.

It is what it is.

And what it is, my friend, is this…

Clusterfook mothers day at the beach

Every time my daughter runs into the ocean, I think of you. I think of how she was terrified of the noise and the waves and the unpredictability of it all, until you held her hand and showed her that the best sea shells could be found under those waves.

It is what it is.

Every time I hear another Florida local talk about Disney in that cynical voice we use when calling it “the happiest place on earth”, I think of you and those girls and that last visit and how, once you all agreed to stop biting each other’s heads off, it truly became the happiest place on earth. It was, at once, not what you’d imagined and everything you’d hoped it would be.

It is what it is.

Every time I find myself holding my breath on a family outing, I remember that trip too. I remember how we counseled each other about our expectations. About how we needed, so badly sometimes, to make perfect memories with our kids. And how they fuck it all up by going and being kids and husbands. And how we just have to let it go… let go of the expectations… breathe… and say fuck it. Right?

“Because ya know,” you’d say, “it is what it is.”

Lisa, waking up this morning to find out you’re gone hurts worse than I thought it would. More than anything, I want those girls and that man to know how much you adored them. To know they were, in the end, everything to you.

Lisa and The Dude - and she actually called him Dude LOL

Lisa and The Dude – and she actually called him Dude LOL

And I pray that you find shelter.

This is for you, babe.

I know this was your favorite. May you be rocking hard to it right now.

Because you are, after all, The Rock Bitch

Because you are, after all, The Rock Bitch

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