Doomed

Sometimes I like to be funny.

But sometimes, as in recent posts, there is serious business that needs to be discussed.

Today I bring you the most desperate issue to date. An issue that must be addressed. An issue that you can do something about.

Brace yourselves… steady your stomachs… and feast your eyes on this:

Do you see it? Look closely…
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That, my good friends, is stupidity and insanity in a bottle. And also? Physical evidence of the pussification of America – Nay! of HUMANITY!

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Hell In A Jar

Light. Fucking. Mayonnaise.

And this wasn’t a passive-aggressive slap in the face from the disgruntled McDonald’s worker who insists on giving me Light Mayo when I ask for Mayonnaise to dip my DEEP FAT FRIED french fries into. Oh no. This was PURCHASED in a STORE, by a PERSON – of their own volition.

Light. Mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise is grease and fat in creamy liquid form. Mostly fat – but just enough grease to make it delicious. If you are slathering your food with MAYO (or, say, using it as a dipping condiment for your deep fat fried potatoes), you have probably gone beyond the point where “light” is going to do you a damn bit of good. Use mustard. Mayo is for people who care more about the 3 seconds of heaven they are going to get out of that next bite than they do about next year’s swimsuit season.

Light mayo is an insult to gluttonous foodies everywhere.

But it plays like a hand delivered invitation to The Big Night Out compared to the insult that is this shit:

Uber Fake Butter

Fabio and his I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter have long been a source of disgust for me. But, whatever. You kind of want butter and you really hate cellulite – I can relate. I mean, except, that I really love butter, even more than I kind of would like to some day have sex with the lights on again.

But this is just insane! I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter has sunk to a new low with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Even I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. What exactly is it?

It’s communism, I tell you. Communism and sexism and fattism. And maybe racism, if you think about it hard enough.*

*(That was a joke, please don’t send me hate mail.)

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