Dignity is Relative

I am not easily embarrassed.

Or rather, I get embarrassed, but usually by things like failure and being disliked. Not by doing something silly.

Funny, to me, is not embarrassing. Funny and having fun are meant to be shared – which is why I willingly provide you with this link to my Karaoke Skillz, and feel that my dignity is perfectly intact. (Although admittedly, I am a little peeved that it appears all of the top notch performances that night were mine, when that was not the case. At all. Now I know how those reality TV stars feel. Fucking sensationalist producers.)

ANYway. In a nutshell – funny trumps all. Funny simply must be shared.

Which is why I am allowed to bring you this little gem…

As usual, I called my mom this morning on my way to work. My commute is Mommy and Me Time and we discuss everything from the random to the pressing, and all the work, husbands, kids and dogs in between.

This morning when I called I was quickly greeted with “Oh my God I have been waiting to talk to you!! I have something so funny to tell you!!”

“Oh yeah?” I was admittedly skeptical because sometimes “so funny” to Mom is either “and then I was hit by a bus!” or “and there were TWO pens instead of ONE!”. It can be hit or miss at 7 in the morning.

“Yes! Yes!” she was obviously excited to share her latest adventure, “last night I was sitting on the computer, doing my thing blah blah blah and suddenly I sneezed.. and I crapped my pants! Right there! All of a sudden!”

*blink*

An awkward silence filled the lines as I tried to figure out the appropriate response to a middle aged woman admitting to shitting herself.

“Britt! Did you hear me? I pooped my pants! I sneezed and pooped! I didn’t even feel like I had to go poop! And I’m sitting there thinking, I didn’t even have to go, what the hell?”

“That’s what you were thinking?”

“Well, that and ‘it’s too bad it’s too late at night to call Britt’. Because there are only so many people you can tell about shitting yourself you know.”

“Um, yeah, obviously.”

More silence as we both toss around the irony of that – and how unlike my mom it is to consider even for a moment the appropriateness of sharing anything with anyone.

“No really Britt, poop myself. I mean sure, I expect to pee my pants when I sneeze I mean really *snort* that’s not even worth comment anymore.”

“Well that’s true.”

“But pooping myself was completely unexpected. Just – bloop – out of the blue! And I’m sitting there at the computer with the dog on my lap, obviously not expecting to poop AT ALL, and so I had to get up and walk around all bow-legged to put her into the kennel so I could go to the bathroom. I’m telling you, the whole thing was very disturbing.”

At this point I’m kind of hysterical. And wondering what is to keigels as butt is to vagina… my mom isn’t that much older than me…

“So, anyway,” mom concludes, “that’s my story. What about you? What are you going to blog about today?”

——————————————————–

Updated to add:

Lest you be concerned about my mother’s dignity, I just received this email from her:

subject, simply, “Britt!!”

“I have been waiting and waiting for you to post and I have to leave so here is my postscript if you post about me crapping my pants.

Remember when we used to call Heath Ledger Hottie Bo Bottie?

You may call me Shitty Ol’ Biddy

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha”

Clearly, her dignity is siting in a bathroom somewhere right beside mine.

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