Day One

Today is the First Day.  For all of us here.

Devin starts second grade at his new school, in a new state.  He’s excited and petrified all at the same time.  Even though I know that he will be fine, I would give anything to take that fear from him.   i know that sometimes we have to go through stuff, and not around it.  And that’s just fine – for everyone else.  But not my baby.  I wish like hell I could spare my baby from that knot in the pit of his stomach and erase the paralyzing insecurity that keeps flicking across his face.

But, I can’t.  So tomorrow I will do the next best thing and drive him to school myself, and walk him to his class, and hug him tight, and tell him one last time how wonderful he’s going to do.

And then I’ll leave – wanting to bawl my eyes out.  But I won’t – not yet.  Because after I drop off the oldest baby, I have to take the youngest to her “new school”.  She’s thrilled to go to “emmas schoooool”.  But I don’t think she realizes that she’s going to be left there.  I know from experience that she’s going to cry, and cling to me, and beg me not to go.

But, I will.  And THEN I will bawl my eyes out.  For about thirty minutes – exactly how long it should take me to get to MY first day at MY new job.

God I hope I don’t get lost.  And that I was worth all the trouble my new boss went through to get me.  And that I was right.

Today I find out if it was all worth it.  The move, the goodbyes, the tears, the homesickness, the overwhelming feeling of being lost in a strange world with no lifelines.

Today I find out how we’ll do.  Will we really all “be fine”?  Will we “do great”?  Will we move onwards and upwards and build new lives for ourselves, all of us?

I guess, we shall see.  Today.

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