The one in which you all go “wtf is she talking about” and joe comments about me sucking because this post is confusing

To Whom It May Concern,

What is my “problem”?  What did you “do to piss me off this time”?  Allow me to explain…

a. Calling me out to ask me “what is my problem” when I haven’t spoken to you all day except when necessary – not cool.  I wasn’t cold shouldering you.  I wasn’t giving you “attitude”.  I was doing my damn job.  All.  Day.  I wasn’t being unprofessional, or inappropriate.  I didn’t go out of my way to be warm and fucking fuzzy with you – because I don’t have to if I don’t fucking want to, thank you very damn much.

If you were actually concerned that your behavior may have had a negative impact on another person – giving me “attitude” in an effort to diffuse mine – maybe not the best use of your people skills.

b. Asking what the fuck is “wrong with me” when you have been talking a steady stream of shit about me for days?  Uncool.  Why do you assume that you can bitch about me constantly, and I am not allowed to have any thoughts on that?  And WHY would you assume that you can bitch about me to someone who you KNOW is close to me, and I would never hear about it?  Why in the HELL would you put someone in that situation in the first freaking place?

c. You made me doubt myself – which pisses me right the fuck off.  I let your lack of appreciation in me change how I viewed myself.  Total bullshit on my part.  Now that I’ve come to my senses, let me help you see me a little more clearly.

I do for you what NO ONE else has been willing to.  No one.  Not now.  Not in the past.  Not ever.  I don’t ask for guarantees.  I willingly assume ALL risks.  And?  Most importantly?  I have fucking PRODUCED for you.  I have produced MORE for you than ANYONE ever has.  More than the person you dish out cash to “just because” every month.  More than ANYONE.  And you have the NERVE to bitch that it’s not good enough??  Really??  Try stopping to appreciate what I’ve done and how far I’ve come for five fucking minutes and SEE how much more I may be willing to do for you.

Let me spell it out.  Your “motivation” tactics of belittling me, comparing me to someone with ten times my experience, and constantly saying “not good enough, you could do better” are NOT EFFECTIVE WITH ME.  Here is what works on someone like me: praise, thank you, leading by example, appreciation, recognition. In short, flattery my silly little friend, would get you everywhere.

d. Pick a personality.  Seriously.  Are you my friend?  Or are you some superior ass who must be approached with genuflecting and alms and burnt offerings?  That back and forth shit you do is not just unnerving and confusing. It’s manipulative.  And small.  And a sign of some serious insecurities.  On both our parts, granted.  You for not being able to decide who the fuck you want to be and how you want to deal with people.  Me for letting you dictate so much about who I am and what I feel.

In conclusion, I realize that you are used to being able to treat people however you want from one day to the other.  Most people smile and act like it doesn’t bother them and then just bitch about it to everyone else.  And believe me, they ALL bitch about it.  Constantly.  Most people are just able to accept the fact that there are some things they need from you – they get it, they deal with your attitude when they have to, they flatter you when necessary, and they move on and don’t care.  I, however, was willing to try to see you as a real person.  With thoughts and ideas and good points and flaws and insecurities.  I was willing to see your temporary lapse in judgement as just that.  I was willing to offer you what no one else in this place has – a genuine fucking human connection.  (as well as, what was, despite your berating, a pretty good freaking performance whether you can admit that or not)

I’m sad for you.  Still.  In a small way.  Because you don’t even know what you pass up.  Every single day.  From me.  From the rest of us… from all the people who you could be REALLY enjoying.  If you could just get the fuck out of your own way.

But I will no longer let that make me a fucking door mat.  You want boundaries?  You got ‘em.  You want all business no frills relationship?  You got it.  But don’t ask me why.  Or what the hell my “problem” is.

It’s not a problem.  It’s a mantra. Mah Nigga.*


The Greatest Thing You’ve Ever Come Near On Heels

*Please do not send me hate mail.**  Please.  If you could see my little white ass screaming this when I get drunk, along with “Mah Ho, Mah bitches!”, you would not be offended.  I swear.

**If however you would like to pay for my sensitivity training/rehab, by all means, I accept paypal donations.  Thank you for your understanding and your efforts to make the world a better place.

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