Judgement is Karma’s Whore

I am, by nature, a judgemental bitch.  No, really.  If you knew me, you would not come to me with your indiscretions.  (If, however, you are a total stranger, you would probably have no problem telling me all about your dirty laundry in a casual waiting room conversation.  Fucking, irony.)

Anyway – me, judgemental whore.  It is something that I’ve embraced, for lack of anything better to do with it.  Perhaps I’ve figured that I had enough shit to “work on”, and I’ve been able to delude myself that my lack of compassion and abundance of condemnation were part of my “charm”.

In my own half ass defense, I have been able to make “judgemental” very funny on numerous occasions.

But lately, I’ve found myself making decisions and wrestling with thoughts that I would have skewered someone else for only months ago.  In other words, I’ve found myself badly in need of a non-judgemental ear.

Thank God I am lucky enough to have the least judgemental ears in the freaking universe at my disposal.  Seriously, nothing shocks this woman.  And she offers this insane support that is completely void of anything even resembling judgement.  It’s not “wow, you suck” but it’s also not “awww, honey, that’s ok”.  It’s just listening and helping me move forward.  It’s freaking amazing is what it is.

But it’s got me thinking about all of the things I have “judged” in the past.  I’m ashamed when I think of the harshness I’ve thrown around.  Ashamed, and a little sick to my stomach.

But… what now?  Part of my acceptance of my own judgemental nature was pure survival instinct, because I’ve never been able to shake the condescending voice in my head.  I would like to be a little… um… softer.  I know there’s no way in hell I’ll ever be able to pull off the whole “place no blame because it isn’t productive” persona.

Maybe there’s a middle ground.  If I cannot strangle the voice in my head that says “Who the fuck DOES that?!?!?  What were you THINKING?!?!”, perhaps I can stop giving her a voice.

But… does that just leave me with voices in my head that no one else can hear?

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