Pinch me. Please.

Sometimes I look around at my life –


– and it’s all so unbelievably perfect, I can’t help but wonder “How did this happen?”

Sometimes this life of mine far exceeds my dreams.

And yet, sometimes, I look around at my life-

all in the same 1500 people town I grew up in

– and it’s all so neat and tidy and molded, I want to throw up. And I can’t help but wonder, “how in the fuck did I end up here?”

Sometimes I wonder, what happened to all of my dreams?

It’s no secret that my life has not turned out the way I’d planned – or hoped.  No degree in a field I’m passionate about. No traveling more than once every three years.  No adventure.  No excitement.  No challenge.

No… me.

And yet, I’ve gotten very good at contentment.  Most days I wake up, take a look around, and I’m grateful for the life I’ve been given.  I remind myself that it could have been worse.  I soothe myself with the joys of motherhood.

And most days, I can block out the rest.

But sometimes…. sometimes the content turns to contempt.  Sometimes old dreams roar louder in the back of my mind.  Sometimes the purely selfish urges that were all of my lost hopes and plans come racing to the forefront and I no longer want to lead an admirable life that would make my children and my grandmother proud.  I want to break out of this fairy tale ending that I find myself trapped inside.

I want to lead MY life.  MY dreams.  MY fantasies.  MY needs.

Just… you know… sometimes.

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