OK. I’m going to get this out and then move the fuck on. Finally.
As everyone in the entire world seems to know, my old blog disappeared shortly after my mother found it. It wasn’t just because she found it, but because she specifically threatened to use it against me.
Anyway, it was a bit of an eye opener for me in a lot of ways.
First – freaking DUH – don’t put shit out there on the Internet and assume that no one would ever stumble upon it. (Although, no one I know has ever “stumbled upon it” – but it made me realize that they COULD). That’s part of the reason I made the move to WP – nothing says cover your ass like private posts.
Seoncd, it made me aware of some underlying issues with my mom that I’m not ready to deal with yet. Or maybe more acurately – that I just can’t. I understand that she was upset about some of the things that she read, and that we could have gotten over. But what has caused a cease and desist in our relationship is what she did with that anger. I believe everyone has a right to their feelings. I also believe that most people don’t handle those feelings with perfect charm and grace all the time. God knows that I don’t. But I also believe there is a line. There has to be lines.
And third – and really the point I had intended this post to make – is that I’ve noticed a dramatic change in myself. And I don’t like it.
My mom called me lots of names – which, whatever, I’ve been called names before and while I don’t think I specifically called her names I certainly called her out. But she painted me in a light that I hadn’t viewed myself in before. Now I find myself extremely self concious. All the time.
Maybe I am a big fucking fraud like she said. Maybe I am an egotistical brat. Oh wait, was it slut? Maybe I am selfish and an idiot and sucky and all of those things.
But shit – if I was those things before at least I EMBRACED them! Now I just feel like I’m walking around all the time going “oh crap, does this make me a bad person?”
It’s fucking exhausting. And confusing. And it makes my writing suck. And my jokes. And my dinner conversation.
I don’t like being this wishy-washy not sure of who the fuck I am kind of person. I don’t like CONSTANTLY doubting myself. I don’t like feeling like I don’t know how the hell I’m supposed to behave.
So. Fuck it. I got some wonderful emails of support from people who read my old blog. And although my mom would say that is stupid because they don’t know me and “will never love me” – it did help. A lot. I also have had some excellent support in real life from the people who know me best, including my husband.
I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of feeling guilty. If people don’t like me – online or off – they don’t have to fucking be around me. Period.
But I am going to be ME – whatever the hell that means at any given moment in time.