In Transition

3429c388f4e5f5e810810f3e6dbc3251This is why people don’t do this.

I think that a lot lately.  This is the not fun part of turning your life upside down.  This is the part of change that sucks the most.

This is transition.

And it blows.  I’m constantly faced with all of the things I can’t have or can’t do, and it’s easy to lose sight of what I will get to do soon.  Yes, I will get to travel around the country and see all of the things I’ve wanted to see.  Yes, I will get to spend an extraordinary amount of time with my husband and children.  Yes, I will enjoy a sense of freedom that is rare in this culture of stuff and debt.  Yes, we made this choice because we believe it will be better.  Best.

But I can’t buy art I fall in love with when I see it.

I have 22 purses that I have spent thousands of dollars on that I will now need to sell for pennis on the dollar.

And my shoes.  Oh God, my shoes.

And that might sound stupid and superficial, but it’s so much a part of normal that I can’t help but feel deprived every time I bump up against another “I can’t.”

I can’t buy this.

I can’t make that.

I can’t keep those.

The sacrifices we’re making to have the Big Fat Dream, both tiny and monumental, seem to be right up in my face constantly.  And The Big Fat Dream is still vapors in the distance.  It’s hard to soothe the jarring discomfort of reality with vapors.

And then the doubts creep in.  Discomfort is such fertile soil for doubts to take root in and blossom into ten-feet-tall nightmares.

What if…

What if we fail.  Look stupid.  Hate it.  Resent each other.  End up broke and broken.  Give up everything and get nothing.

What if all of the doubts that people drop into your brain in passing are, in fact, really great reasons not to do this.

You will get tired of each other.

You will spend your life savings.

You will end up with children who have no sense of home or security.

You will wish you had just stayed the course.

But it’s too late.  We’ve already jumped off the road most traveled in enough ways that getting back on would be harder than just heading towards the vapors.  We’re between one side and another, in the middle where there is more anxiety than adrenaline.

We’re in transition.

And it blows.

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