Fiery

Go Boom

My mother says that we, she and I, are “brightly colored people”.

My friends have described me as fiery and passionate.

My husband, I suspect, just wishes I wasn’t such a bitch sometimes.

And no, he would never actually call me a bitch.  I’m not even sure he’s ever gone so far as to say I was acting like a bitch, but I’m pretty sure that’s what “what?  WHAT?  What the HELL, BRITT?!!?” means in Jared speak.  And let’s be honest, if you’ve been around me for 5 minutes or read this blog EVER you can probably imagine that it is possible that I could maybe be a bitch.  Sometimes.

ANYway, my point is that I am… fiery.  My emotions flare hot, fast and high.  They have the power to engulf entire relationships in seconds, leaving singed trees and panting bodies in their wake.

I’ve spent a lot of time and money trying to learn how to temper this part of me with logic and reasoning and lofty ideals of who I want to be.  I have the utmost admiration and respect for those who have cool heads and the ability to hold their tongue.  I am so, so grateful that there are people in this world who do not burn quite as hot as I seem to.

And yet… all that admiration and time and money and self-help books and therapy and meditation and really, really trying to not be so damn fiery has left me exactly where I started.

Fiery.

“What do I do with these feelings?” I asked my therapist.  A lot.

“You feel them, Britt.  That’s the only thing you can do with feelings,” she told me.  Every time.

I have big feelings.  Big, loud, instant feelings.  My efforts to not feel what I’m feeling because of what I think I should be feeling have been… not good.

But I also don’t want to be a bitch.

And there may, come to find out, be a way for me to be fiery without being downright mean.  Or overly critical.  Or bitchy.  (Yes, I know YOU already know this and everyone else in the world already knows this but this is NEW TO ME.)

Here’s what I’m trying to practice now:

Feelings.  Feel them.  If you’re sitting in front of me or on the phone with me when I’m feeling something, you’re going to know it.  They flare.  You’ll hear a lot of “I feel…” and “I think…” and maybe even some “ARGHGHGHGHDKGHFSDKHLLKHJKFDKFUCKDFKJDF”.

“And YOU -”

And that’s where I stop.  Because that part?  Right there?  That’s no longer about my feelings, which I have a right to.  That, right there, is apparently the fine line between sharing your experience and criticizing.

That little bit of wisdom cost me $90.

I’m giving it to you for free.

You’re welcome.

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