Someone is trying to kill me.
Possibly a Keebler Elf.
I woke up this morning two hours late and stumbled into my kitchen for coffee and microwaved eggs. I stood at the counter between my refigerator and my stove, waiting for the familiar beep, beep letting me know my breakfast was ready.
And that’s when I saw it.
Was that label residue on the outside of my vinegar bottle?
I sure don’t remember a label ever being there…
Let me see…
I wondered who in the hell was drinking tea in this Diet Coke and Coffee Only Household.
I turned the bottle over in my hand.
This is odd because a) we don’t have Fig Newtons in the house and b) WHAT THE HOLY FUCK???
I turned immediately to my children.
“Uh… guys? Who did this?” I thrust the mysterious bottle at them.
“What?” they both stared blankly back at me.
“Who put this in here? And what is it? And how in the HECK did you get these big chunks of things into this bottle through this itty bitty neck?”
“I’m a tree!” Emma exclaimed.
“Uh, no. This isn’t a riddle.”
“Mom, that’s disgusting,” Devin said.
“Right. Sure. It’s disgusting. But what IS IT and how did you DO IT?” I asked.
“I didn’t do that! It looks like someone put mini sandwiches in there. Why would I do that?”
We both turned back towards Emma.
“Emma? Did you put something in here?”
“No,” she giggled. And it wasn’t an evil giggle, unfortunately, but a ‘YOU SAID MY NAME AND THAT IS SO FUNNY!’ giggle.
I picked up the phone and sent a text message to Jared who had been all alone in the house the night before.
Or how it got in there.
Or what the hell it is.
Seriously. I’m flummoxed.
And totally starting to wonder if that Keebler Elf theory has some merit.