I’ve written a lot of really personal stuff here.
I’ve talked about my marriage – the good and the bad. I’ve documented my depression as it was happening. I’ve used this blog to communicate with my husband via “open letters“, often revealing on the blog things I couldn’t say face to face.
And yet, yesterday, I wrote about having something to say that I couldn’t say here.
I was struggling with something with Jared.
And, for the first time in a long time, I decided not to share it with the world.
Instead, I vented about not being able to vent. And then I sat down and wrote what I really wanted to say. In a notepad. On my computer. Off the Internet.
And just in writing it, I felt like I could breathe a little easier. I felt the weight ease up off my chest and the thoughts start to line up in a more orderly fashion. And I didn’t need to say it to anyone to find a little bit of peace.
But, I figured, what the hell?
So I emailed it to Jared.
Oddly enough, he was less than pleased to receive an email from me discussing very personal stuff while I was sitting 10 feet away from him. Go figure.
We fought. Hard. So hard that there were tears on both sides. So hard that he yelled and screamed and clenched his jaw in a way that I’ve rarely – if ever – seen him do.
And the more we fought, the more relieved I felt.
I was glad that I had emailed him. I was glad that I had found a way to be honest with him about what I was feeling – even if he hated my methods. I was glad that even if the fight was rough, it was OUT and OPEN and not bottled up inside my rib cage anymore or skating along the tension that had been living between us for weeks.
And then the fight gave way to talking.
Real talking. Without tip toes or hedges. Without assumptions or misconceptions.
And then I was fine.
We were fine.
Why am I telling you this?
One, because the emails and comments of concern I got yesterday deserve to be responded with a resounding “everything is OK now”. I’m well aware of the fact that I let you into my life and it’s natural for you to wonder what the hell is going on from time to time.
But also, because I am kind of marveling at the progress I’ve made since starting this blog.
I received several offers to guest post anonymously at other blogs yesterday. I understood that they were offering me a place to get it out in the hopes that it would make me feel better. But I just spoke on a panel about why I don’t have an anonymous blog. And something just wasn’t… sitting right. Or something.
Pardon the rambling. I’m trying to pull apart something that I feel like I’ve learned in the last 48 hours.
I didn’t come here yesterday because I wasn’t ready to be accountable for what I was feeling.
I wasn’t comfortable with the anger and resentment I was feeling towards Jared.
But mostly, I knew that this was something that I had to share with him before I shared it with anyone else.
I had to find a way. I couldn’t use the same crutch I’d used in the past.
I know for a lot of you this seems obvious. And ridiculous. But the fact is, for so long I wrote about stuff publically because I couldn’t really talk about stuff with him. Our communication styles are so conflicting sometimes that I end up feeling unheard at times when I so desperately need to be heard.
I kind of feel like having this blog has helped me figure out how to communicate better without it.
Maybe it was knowing that I would be heard if I had opened my mouth that gave me the confidence and clarity I needed to make him hear me.
Maybe it was all the practice of having to say what I mean and mean what I say.
Maybe it’s the daily honest that has made it impossible for me to walk around pretending things are fine when they are not.
I don’t know.
But I know I feel like I learned something. I know I woke up the next day feeling like I’d grown up.
And I know that this was probably the most awesome comment I have ever received on my blog ever: