Further Proof That I Was Raised By A Hippy.

“Your dreams don’t have to be at the expense of my dreams.”

I believe in what airy fairy people call “abundance thinking”.

What that means, basically, is that there is more than enough to go around.  Of time.  Of money.  Of joy.  Of opportunity.  The Universe – because that’s what airy fairy people call it – is like an ocean.

And the ocean doesn’t care if you dip into it with a teaspoon or a bucket.

I don’t believe in a race to claim your piece of the pie.  That presumes that if I get my piece, someone else isn’t getting theirs.  Airy fairy people call that “scarcity thinking”.

And yet, I realized yesterday as I was staring into my own belly button long and hard that I have been torturing myself with a classic sign of “scarcity thinking”.

Guilt.

I’ve been wrestling with guilt for months now.  Every time someone tries to encourage me, I feel guilty that they’re wasting their energy on me.  Every time something good happens, I feel guilty that it’s happening to me and not someone more deserving.

I feel guilty because over and over again I see me taking from the big fat pie of life and someone else going without.  Because of me.

And that?  Is bullshit.

That goes against everything I believe to be true.  It goes against my faith and my understanding of God.  It violates all of the fundamental truths I hold dearest to me, truths that I know in my soul to be right.

My dreams do not come at the expense of yours.

My gifts do not make your gifts smaller.

My desires, while different than yours, do not make your desires less important.

And son of a bitch, I know this.

But I’ve let myself forget it recently.  I’ve let myself get tangled up in the idea of some great cosmic scale with checks and balances and fair shares.  I’ve let myself believe that I can take more than my fair share of good from the table and leave someone else hungry because of it.

I don’t know how it happened.  It doesn’t reall matter, at this point, how my brain got so off track.

All that matters now is that I’m aware of it.  And while knowing it doesn’t fix it overnight, it’s a start to changing the habit.

So that’s something.

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