Please do not punch a baby.

I decided recently that if I don’t have anything blog worthy, I’m just not going to blog*.

You don’t need an explanation from me or an apology post. No guest bloggers need to fill the gaping hole that is surely left in your day.

Because seriously? It’s a blog. About my life. It could vanish tomorrow and as long as I called my mom, dad, stepmom and Adam ahead of time so they didn’t freak the fuck out about the possibility of me being dead – everyone’s life would continue on as normal.

I’m not saying this to say that blogging isn’t a big deal. It is. To me. To many of you. Our friends think we’re crazy – but we get it. We know that these spaces mean something to us – to ourselves and to each other.

But I also know that your feed readers are full enough without me wasting space and time to say “hi! I’m not here!”

And also? That obligation that we feel to remind people that we’re still here? That we haven’t disappeared? It’s all in our heads. No one is pacing the floors or chewing their fingernails if we don’t show up one day – with the exception of course of my mom, my dad, my stepmom and Adam.

And that’s not because you aren’t loved or appreciated or entertaining. It’s because it’s a blog. About your life. Read by other people who have lives too.

Anyway. So there’s that.

I’m not here to tell you “sorry I couldn’t blog today!”

I am, however, here to advocate the use of bullets when you have random things that need to be said or announcements** you’d like to make and are not creative enough to put them into a cohesive blog post.

>> I don’t know if you know this about me, but when I’ve had too much to drink I like to tell random strangers that I’m kind of a big deal on the Internet.
I will also proclaim anyone sitting near me to be of phantom celebrity status as well. (I also tell them that my other car is a Volvo.)

Yesterday, I got an email from one of my editors telling me to prepare myself for official and real and actual rock star status. Something about “releasing to the world” and “featured” and blah blah blah. I didn’t bother with the details because I had plans to make. But I got the point. Today was going to be A Big Deal Day.

I received an email this morning asking if the paparazzi was camped out yet. I peeked through my curtains and confirmed that no, not yet, apparently my celebrity status was still just a drunken inside joke.

I then received, again by email, two links and a request to “mention this on your blog today”. After checking the links, I discovered that Whit is a sarcastic son of a bitch selling me dreams and wishes. Bastard.

>> Oh. Right. The links. There is a press release about the new travel blog that I write for. Because isn’t that interesting to you? And also an interesting “introducing our vacation bloggers post” that features me. (Where interesting means maybe if it was featuring you and features means I’m included in the list.)

>>This post was only supposed to take me five minutes to slap together and I’m like 30 minutes into it now. Damn it!

>> As long as we’re doing the “oooh, I’m a big deal on the Internet because I write for other sites!” thing, I should be super annoying and tell you about my Work It, Mom! post about my uber relaxing weekend. Because it doesn’t make me want to punch a baby at all when I get to a blog I like and find a fucking link farm of other articles they’ve written.

>> Commercialization is hard. Really. I don’t know how prostitution has made it so long as a profession.

>> I think I’m going to bow out of tonight’s radio show and let Adam and Faiqa just go at each other. In lime jello. After all, it’s her damn fault we’re arguing about wisdom vs. intelligence tonight.

>> I don’t think I’ll tell either one of them about my plan to skip out on co-hosting the show until the very last minute. So keep that last one to yourself.

>> I won the craigslist lottery this morning.

>> Eventually I’ll post pictures that will make that sentence make sense.

>> I’m not proofreading this post, so forgive me if I used the wrong “their” or added an extra word somewhere or something equally foolish.

*feel free to replace the word “blog” with the phrase “comment on your blog” and end that sentiment with “it’s not always about you. So chill.”

**Remember when you were in middle school and there was Announcements With A Capital A at the beginning of every day? I think every day should begin with Announcements. “Children, please remember today is PUT THE LID BACK ON THE DAMN TOOTHPASTE DAY, and husbands we ask that from this point forward you KEEP YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES. Also, pick up the dry cleaning.”

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