I am a tool. Seriously.

There are two things you must know for you to full appreciate what I am about to relay to you:

1. I drive a red mustang convertible.

2. I am absolutely certain I look pretty damn hot in that red mustang convertible when I am driving it with the top down.

I left work yesterday at about 1:00 to meet the lovely Shash for lunch. The sun was shining and my hair was looking fabulous so I put down the soft top, put on my movie star sunglasses and cranked up the Prince CD.

God, I was glamorous. Seriously.

Right up to the point where I got stuck in a long line at an even longer red light. I hate sitting in traffic with the top down. I feel like everyone is staring at me and I’m not allowed to stare back because they can see me staring.

ANYway, I’m sitting at the light surrounded by cars that I imagine are filled with people gawking at my fabulousness. And while I can’t blame them, it makes me a little self conscious. Because I am humble like that. I begin to fumble with my iPhone as a means to distract myself.

Text. Text. Twitter. Twitter. Clear conversation. Text from Twitter again. Jeeezus, the people I follow have a lot to say at this exact moment.

HONK! HONK!

What the hell? I look up in my rear view mirror to find a full sized truck riding up into the ass end of my car and the driver laying on the horn. I look ahead of me to see – uh – nothing.

I am sitting in the middle of the road playing with my phone while the light has changed and every other car has driven through the light – except for the poor bastards sitting behind me.

Shit! Shit!

I drop the phone and pound the gas, flying up to the intersection. The light turns yellow. Shit! Shit! I have to get through this, this poor pissed off bastard is now going to have to sit through another – RED.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEACH!

That would be the sound of my tires as I realize there is no motherfucking way I am making it through this light. I come to stop just far enough into the intersection to potentially cause an accident. There’s no way to avoid it – the light is red red red and I am stopped stopped stopped.

I look in my rear view mirror and notice the full sized truck has stopped in plenty of time, leaving me ample room to put my car in reverse and sulk back behind the crosswalk line.

I wanted to die. I felt my face flush as I sat through the longest damn light in the history of traffic lights and wished I had left the cocksucking top up on this stupid car. I stared at the light and focused all of my Jedi mind power on making it turn green.

GREEN!

Thank you God. I pounded the gas again, desperate to flee the scene as quickly as possible.

What the fuck NOW?

Oh. Heh. Yeah. My car was still in reverse and I was now hurtling backwards, straight towards the front bumper of the now seriously annoyed driver I had already made miss one light.

I slammed on the brakes, threw the gear stick into drive and squealed through the intersection. Finally. I drove as fast as I possibly could down the street and whipped into the restaurant parking lot. I slunk low in my car and looked around for the monster truck that I was absolutely certain had not only been staring at me, but also swearing at my stupid ass. Loudly.

Needless to say, I put the top up for the return trip to work.

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