Saturdays are for Stealing Ideas

You know, memes kind of suck. If you’re lucky you might learn something about the blogger – but you’ll probably just end up clicking Mark As Read before you even get to The Rules. They are boring and stupid and not in any way shape or form writing.

Which makes them perfect for Saturdays.

The Rules according to Delmer: You highlight the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. And it’s a freakin’ free-for-all on snarky comments. Assign 2 other poor bastards to the task and the electronic equivalent of chain letters is complete. The only thing to do is to sit back and wait for my millions to be mailed to me.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. (I will cut you where you stand. That totally counts as “advice that matters”. Or maybe a warning. Whatever.)

2. Tell if someone is lying.

3. Take a photo. (Well, I don’t know how well I can take them, but I’m getting better at mutilating the shit out of them with Photoshop.)

4. Score a baseball game. (I also know what ERA and RBI stand for. I know, hot right?)

5. Name a book that matters.

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. (I used to live in Iowa. If I couldn’t cook without a grill we’d freeze before the ground thawed in April.)

8. Not monopolize the conversation. <– You will notice that this is not bolded. Because at least I am self aware.

9. Write a letter.

10. Buy a suit.

11. Swim three different strokes. <<– Also not bolded. Unless I can count doggy paddle and tread water as two separate strokes.

12. Show respect without being a suck-up.

13. Throw a punch. (Throw it AND land it. Ask Luke Thompson, or whatever the hell that ignorant fuck’s name was.)

14. Chop down a tree. <– hellllz to the No. Thank you.

15. Calculate square footage. (Length times Width my pretties.)

16. Tie a bow tie.

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (We have discussed the Brittini, yes?)

18. Speak a foreign language. (Pig Latin is technically a language. As is Toddler. And Spanish.)

19. Approach a woman man out of his her league. Ahem. Actually, there is no such thing. Thank you very much.

20. Sew a button.

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (As long as we’re both speaking English. Or Pig Latin. Or Toddler.)

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it. <– ummmm, excuse me? I don’t even know where to begin fixing the pronouns on this one.

23. Be loyal. (I make Lassie look like a loosey goosey whore.)

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (I have no clue what that means. But I totally know what kind of poison I could use to kill Jared that would not be easily detected during a routine autopsy. I’m going to assume that’s what they mean. So, yes.)

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (Not only that, but I’m the one who baits the hook. And catches the fish, now that I think about it.)

27. Play gin with an old guy.

28. Play go fish with a kid. (Although seriously, I wish my kid was into go fish. But no. My kid wants to play an 8 hour round of Monopoly.)

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.

30. Feign interest. (Show me a blog commenter who can’t and I will show you a DAMN LIAR!)

31. Make a bed. (It’s not that I can’t…)

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. (The kind I like comes in a box and is pink. See?)

33. Hit a jump shot in pool.

34. Dress a wound. (Where “dress a wound” equals “apply antibacterial goop and a band-aid”.)

35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil. (I can do all of these things very easily. Step 1 is to get teary and say “Sir??”)

36. Make three different bets at a craps table. (I kick ASS at craps. Unless my husband is standing near me. He has bad juju. His juju is so bad it pisses all over my awesome juju.)

37. Shuffle a deck of cards.

38. Tell a joke.

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. (Split eights or aces if the dealer is showing a bust card.)

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. <<— my eight year old would insist I not bold this either.

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. <<– I will never understand why dogs like me. Seriously. People say animals are smart. But dogs LOVE me.

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.

44. Ask for help. (What? I can!)

45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist.

46. Tell a woman’s dress size. <<– Actually, no. I have nooo concept of this on other women. I think everyone is an 8 or a 10.

47. Recite one poem from memory. (It is the moon, and Juliet is the sun.)

48. Remove a stain. (Really, I have come so far in life.)

49. Say no. (As in “do you mind doing me a favor?” No! Of course not!)

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.

51. Build a campfire. (Not only that, I can start a fire IN THE WINTER, outside, with NO MATCHES OR LIGHTERS! I should have been a Boy Scout.)

52. Step into a job no one wants to do.

53. Sometimes, kick some ass. (Clearly.)

54. Break up a fight.

55. Point to the north at any time. <<— I cannot stand it when people give directions using.. er… directions. Tell me LEFT or RIGHT. Do I look like a fucking compass to you?!

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (I could do this for both my husband and several of my friends. I’m a big one for “ooh, ooh, listen to this, isn’t this just like us?“)

57. Explain what a light-year is. (It is very, very far away. See?)

58. Avoid boredom.

59. Write a thank-you note. (I can write it. Remembering to put it in the mail? Not so much. I still have the thank yous from my wedding. True Story.)

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. <– Not unless that brand is Totally Free Stuff I Would Pay You To Use.

61. Cook bacon.

62. Hold a baby.

63. Deliver a eulogy. (How bizarre is it that I have a post to link to for this?)

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch.

65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap.

66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. (And hit you in the nose, too.)

67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.

68. Find his way out of the woods if lost. (I’m assuming the alternative is lay down and die?)

69. Tie a knot.

70. Shake hands.

71. Iron a shirt. <<– Um, not so much. No.

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. (I remember when I had to have an emergency bag for the car. Diapers, wipes, formulas, water, clean bottle, onesie, blanket.)

73. Caress a woman’s neck. <<– well I suppose I could…

74. Know some birds. (I can pick a robin from a bluejay any day of the week!)

75. Negotiate a better price.

And thus ends this Saturday meme. What have you learned about me?

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