Terrified

“it all depends on what you want out of life and the attitude at which you look at your current situation. from my eyes it would seem that you have it all: a gorgeous and supportive husband who truly loves you enough to move away from everything he ever knew, gorgeous and intelligent children, your biggest cheerleader in a mom who sees the spectacular woman you are even when you don’t see it yourself, a good paying job for a company that is owned by one of your best friends, a big house, a car that i would kill for, etc.

i think desiring what you don’t have is natural. and i also think you need to look at the positives of your situation. there are plenty. you really do have a good thing going…please don’t ever forget that.

so i will ask you, what do you feel that are you being held back from? what is it that you desire that you feel that you can’t have by being married to jared and being mom to your children? are you sure that you really are being held back and not simply afraid to try certain things?”

I received this in an email from a brilliant friend of mine yesterday. She was responding to an email from me in which I basically asked her if she regretted any part of her life as a single woman and confessed to her that I was struggling to appreciate my own.

I have a habit of doing that. I look at people like Dave2 who get to travel the world, meeting new people and doing exciting things – and the jealousy eats me up. I watch my friends who don’t have children and can get in the car and take off for a long weekend without a second thought to child care, and the envy seethes from me.

I even find myself being jealous of my mother – who is living on her own for the first time in 28 years. And I know first hand the pain she’s been through to get to where she’s at right now.

In it’s worst form, my jealousy manifests itself in resentment. In those ugliest of moments, I resent my family like hell – including my children.

I will kindly ask that no one reminds me of that on Mother’s Day.

And yet, I know that my dear friend is right. I know, in my head, that I have a great life. I know, in my heart, that I absolutely adore my children. And my husband.

And still… I am restless. The world is flying by outside without me, while I go to work and make dinner and ignore th laundry. My children’s childhood is racing past me and I have to force myself to keep my focus there, even though I am longing to pack a bag and take off for a new adventure.

Yes, I know. It’s selfish. It’s immature. It’s an “always chasing the carrot” mentality. I know. OK, Mom? I know.

But still… I am restless.

“so i will ask you, what do you feel that are you being held back from? what is it that you desire that you feel that you can’t have by being married to jared and being mom to your children? are you sure that you really are being held back and not simply afraid to try certain things?”

What I desire…

Is to travel the world. I have never seen New York City – and it calls to me in a very sick, eerie way, I’m sure. I’ve never been to Germany or France or Spain. I want to show someone else what I loved about Italy. I want to live some place long enough that I am forced to learn their language.

What I desire…

Is to live spontaneously. I want to pick up and go when I’m ready to go. I want to stop and relax when it’s time to relax. I want to read when the mood strikes and drive absolutely nowhere just because.

What I desire…

Is to be alive. To breathe and breathe deeply. To not be so God damned tired. To laugh and to cry and to feel it in every cell in my body. To wring every glorious thing possible out of every moment of life until I am spent and there is no more to do.

That is what I desire.

Is that asking too much?

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