This is why I don’t get free strollers or trips to Baby Camp

I don’t even know how to start this.

(Bravo! You’re an awesome writer Britt! Great first sentence! And immediate digression!)

You know how Dooce got fired because of her blog?

Yeah. I can totally top that.

I was “removed” from my Mommy Group because of yesterday’s blog post.

I shit you not.

It started with an email I received at about 6:00 am yesterday morning. My sitter, who also happens to be head of said Mommy Group, had decided that this arrangement wasn’t working out for her. She was quitting. She listed several reasons, including but not limited to the fact that my 8 year old is “not nice to her” and that she didn’t feel like we were really friends anymore.

I resisted the urge to freak the fuck out. There are few things worse to a working mother than screwing with her child care. I made a quick phone call to the day care center we’d used previously and was able, by the Grace of God, to secure a place for them – despite the center’s reputation for always having a waiting list. By 6:30 am I had averted a near crisis and was off to work.

And that’s when the shit started to roll down hill. And gather no moss. Or something like that.

The sitter/group leader and I exchanged a few emails about why she was leaving. I tried not to take the things she said about my oldest personally and for the most part ignored that portion of the conversation. I attempted to explain that the blog post she had commented on was not meant to portray anyone as a bad person, but was simply an expression of my opinion on the entire issue.

Alas, my attempts were in vain. A few emails later and I received notification that I had been “removed” from the “Working Moms” group.

(And posted about it here and the comments went ape shit. The end.)

Dude. Who the fuck gets kicked out of a Mom Group?!?!

I immediately twittered my shock. Because – seriously. I got kicked out of a Mommy Group!!

All of my friends were quick to show their support.

“You were in a mom’s group? hahahhahahahahhahahahahhaah”

Rotten bastards.

I called my husband, “honey – they kicked me out!”

The last thing I heard before I hung up was the sound of my darling husband gasping for breath as he laughed his ass off. And something about “oh man, no surprise there!” And something else that sounded an awful lot like “just a matter of time”. And more laughing.

Rotten bastard.

Yes, fuckers. I was in a mom’s group! And some of you may remember how nervous and then thrilled I was to be a part of it!

Sure, as time went on I realized that a lot of the moms weren’t actually working. I noticed that there were a lot of “play dates” scheduled for the middle of a normal work day. And, OK, that felt a little off. But, whatever – there was still weekend stuff I could do! And I’d had a lot of fun on a couple of those mom’s night outs.

Well, and, OK. I thought it was a little weird when they changed the “membership guidelines” to suggest that you had to have a baby or toddler – no big kids allowed! – to join the group. But they assured me that was just for new members and it was all about “protecting the kids”. I brushed off the notion that maybe I had joined this group for different reasons than some of the others… namely, I was interested in meeting other women for ME as much as (if not more than) I was interested in play dates for the kids.

But still! I’m a MOM! They are MOMS! We should totally hang out!

*sigh*

Why am I the only one surprised at the fact that I don’t “fit” with a Mommy Group?

People, I don’t know if you knew this about me, but:

I HAVE CHILDREN!!

Two! I have TWO CHILDREN!!

I do bath times and bedtimes and butt wiping! I sign permission slips in that spot where it says “Parent/guardian signature required”! I have stretch marks and saggage and bruises from being kneed during living room wrestling matches!

I am totally a mom!

Right?

Adam always says, “well, but you’re not really a mom. I mean, yes, technically you have kids. But you’re like.. uh.. a mother. You’re not a Mom.”

But I always just chalked that up to him being retarded. I mean… clearly.

But you know, when I stop and think about it…

I realize I wasn’t invited to Baby Camp (and I’m sure that has nothing to do with my lack of “influence”). My inbox is suspiciously devoid of annoying offers from PR reps offering me free strollers and diapers. I have yet to be included in a Crazy Hip Hop Mama Blog ring. And even alltop listed me as a “life blog” instead of a “mommy blog“. (OK, that one was by request. But still! Valid point!)

I think the signs are clear here.

I need to up my Mommy Game!

Um… any suggestions how the hell I do that?

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