Lapsed

Today, in case you missed it, is Easter.

Christians all over the world are at Church. Catholics have been in Church almost none stop since Friday. Families will be gathering together over ham and potatoes and some uniquely traditional-to-them-and-theirs staple like pecan pie or egg casserole.

And me?

I’m spending the day at Universal Studios.

(Again.)

And it bothers the hell out of me.

I know there are those who say that nothing good can come from organized religion. I understand the sentiment that participation in “church” is not nearly as important as a personal relationship with God. I get that for a lot of people, not going to Church is no big deal.

But for me…

it is everything.

It is a mountain of guilt that I am too tired to come face to face with right now.

It is a longing and an emptiness that I am too overwhelmed to fill at the moment.

I’m not where I’m supposed to be today. And it is my fault and mine alone. The emptiness, the hypocrisy, the sense that I am avoiding myself – it is heavier today than it has been for the past three months, since the last time I was in Church. And for all my sadness and whining, the solution is simple. The path is clear.

I’m just too tired to walk it today.

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