Monthly Archives: December 2007

My Christmas Miracle

Dear Santa, and Baby Jesus, and Holy Mother of God, and Ian Leonard (what the fuck do you mean the crazy weather guy isn’t on channel 7 news anymore? why didn’t anyone tell me?!) and Jeff Kennedy, and Whomever Else … Continue reading

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Friendship in yo puter

I got a… a… um… an award? No, that’s not right. I got a nice little friendship badge. It’s kind of like those badges you used to get in girl scout’s, except no one has to bleed trying to sew … Continue reading

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The Next Day

Where to begin… First, I’m OK. I mean, I’ve obviously got some “issues” going on that need to be addressed – and they will be. But today is better than yesterday. Secondly, thank you. The emails I got from some … Continue reading

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Stop Looking At Me Schwan

For the first time in my life, I don’t want to be seen. Me.  The girl who was born with an insatiable need to be heard wishes desperately that she could just disappear. I long for sleep.  I want to … Continue reading

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I might as well tell you before she does

The Scene: Yesterday. Morning Sometime. My elaborate and very important office in Avitable’s house. Boss Avitable: Are you completely opposed to Cracker Barrel? Me: Adam, I am concentrating on my very important work. You know I hate it when you … Continue reading

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Highway of Hell

Dear Retard, I’m sorry. You’re right. That was mean. Dear Moron Men Of Central Florida Who Have Determined That 1-4 Is The Hot New Place To Pick Up Women, Thanks for fucking up my salutation. And also? Seriously? What. The … Continue reading

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Take it.

Guys, listen. I can’t today. I just don’t have it in me. Someone else… do it. Someone else…. say something.  Anything.  Please. Unless it’s advice.  Dear God help us all if anyone tries to give me advice. The floor is … Continue reading

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Saturated

I remember when a night out with the girls meant push up bras and plunging v-necks. We would begin fluffing and primping at 4 o’clock in the afternoon and plotted which jeans would make our butts look best as we … Continue reading

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It’s Ok if I bitch about them first

*I hate bullet posts. *But it’s late Sunday night and I’m tired. *God forbid I ever live by that “if you don’t have anything worthwhile to say, shut up” philosophy. *I’m looking at you, cranky pants. *I’m tired because I … Continue reading

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