Contrary to recent evidence and now popular belief, I can cook.
In fact, I can cook quite well. I can make apple pie (which is completely different than apple crisp) and delicious cheesecake – from scratch. I can make homemade pasta – and not just the thick doughy egg noodles that work so well for beef stroganoff. I can make spaghetti and linguine – from scratch.
And yet this is what I’ve been asked to bring to Thanksgiving:
- boxed wine
- orange soda
- folding chairs
I shit you not. I’m expecting a request for a pack of Reds and a bottle of Colt-45 any minute.
Last year at about this time I earned a fucking incentive from my old job – a digital video camera. I asked for it specifically so that I can edit videos of the kids, etc.
Unfortunately, the camera that was actually purchased and given to me is a miniDV what-the-fuck-ever. Meaning – the memory card is only good for still pictures. I need a “firewire” – and a “firewire port” or some shit for my computer. I have no clue what they are, where to get them, how much they are, if they will work, blah blah break down into tears blah.
Which totally ruins all of my Christmas gift ideas for our parents and grandparents.
I give up.
I’ll be in the corner with my orange pop and a smoke.