Dear Potential Recipients of Gifts From Miss Britt Who Are Not My Children Or My Parents,
Clearly, you are confused.
You see, when I say “what do you want for Christmas?” or “do you have any gift ideas?” – I don’t actually want to know what about your heart’s one desire. This is Christmas
, not The Make A Wish Foundation.
In other words, when I say “what would you like for Christmas?” what I need you to hear is “what $20 trinket have you not had the chance to pick up from Wal-Mart yourself yet?”. Or, possibly, “what size should I get this year’s fleece hoodie in? Do you have a new favorite color?”
Clearly “an iPod” is not a proper response to either of these questions. Nor is “we need to remodel our bathroom”. What the fuck?
Doesn’t everybody know this stuff?
When you ask me what I want for Christmas, do you honestly believe that “oh, I don’t need anything, really.”? Of course I need stuff! Hell – I want stuff! In fact, if we’re being honest here, I would very much like an iPhone. And also a GPS unit for my car. Oh! Oh! And I too need a new iPod! And I never have any cute shoes to wear when I wear pink – I hear Prada does pink well. Oh, and a Pool! And… umm… hmmmm well there’s the new digital camera, a wet bar in the great room, and a boob job. There you go, that should give you plenty of ideas to choose from. *muah!*
No. Everyone knows that “oh, I don’t need anything, really” is Christmas speak for “nothing I want is within a reasonable Christmas gift budget. I spend the year trying to block out the fact that I can’t buy the things I really want by purchasing gobs and gobs of “little things” every time I walk into a Wal-Mart or a Target. Therefore, there is not a god damn Under $20 Gift Idea Item left that I have not previously used to make myself feel pretty.
Now, let’s try this again.
Me: “Do you have any ideas for Christmas this year?”
You: “orange is the new black, and Old Navy’s having a sale.”
And everyone wins.