Yeah. Um. Apparently I’m a big fucking baby.
(and now I’m going to blog about it. shit. kill me now.)
ANYway, of course I was checking and checking and giggling and “oh you think I’m intelligent, yay!” and “oh you think I’m vulgar, hee hee, me too!” and it was big fun.
And then someone said I was dull.
And suddenly overdramatic and selfish and intolerant and impatient and boastful all sounded ahelluva lot worse too.
The more I read it, the more I started to see this caricature of myself develop in my mind. Before long, she stepped out of my mind and sat down beside me (ala “Get Outta My Dreams” Billy Ocean style. does anyone else remember that?) and started poking at me.
I’m looking at Me Through You and I see this shallow, superficial girl who swears and shops and says mean stuff and that’s just about it. She throws tantrums and thinks the whole world revolves around her and no one expects much else from her.
And I’m not sure whether to cry or be pissed off.
The thing is, that is so far from how I see myself. Or rather (and probably more accurately) such a small part of who I think I am.
You see a pampered, selfish princess – and I think about the fact that most of the time I feel like I live my whole live for everyone else – my husband, my kids, our families.
You see smug and self satisfied and boastful and confident – and I think about the circles I run in my head trying to be better, worrying about not being good enough, obsessing over why I can’t be “as good as” or just get it “right”.
But mostly, the dull and ignorant thing really got to me. The idea of being a shallow, superficial shell of a person.
I think I’m an intelligent person. I think I’m compassionate and empathetic and warm and fun to be around. I feel like I have thoughts that go well beyond shoes and shoppng.
I look at me and see this complex person, with thoughts and ideas that sometimes I feel like no one else in the world has ever had. I see a person who is constantly struggling to do the right thing, to be the right thing for everyone else. And I also see someone who is vibrant and funny and…. fuck. Dull? Really??
Anyway. I’m not really sure how to wrap this up. I don’t know that this post has a point, or if it’s just mental vomit on a page. And I’m confident there’s no way to avoid the “whiney poor me wah wah wah” pity party tone.
And ironically, that’s all wrong too. I’m not having a pity party so much as I’m standing here, looking at Me Through You with my head cocked going “really? that’s what I look like to you? Seriously?”
And I’m just… confused.
And wondering how I can be Me… better.