OK, so I finally broke down and bought The Secret.
And I read it.
And you know what? I’m glad I did. I’ve been using my new found magical powers for all SORTS of fun shit – my little brother is moving out, I got a hard to get massage appointment ON THE SPOT and enjoyed the absolute best massage EVER (in IOWA, no less! miracles, i tell ya!), I am in a kick ass mood and I have now decided that the Universe has sold my house. Now. To-DAY mutherfucka!
And there is my dilemma.
See, I want to be enlightened and abundant and shit. I want to vibrate at a higher frequency and be all love and joy and beauty and richer than shit. I really do. Fuck, I AM beauty and love and joy, bitches!
Shit. There I go again.
See… I also want – no, need – to be funny. Really, really, funny. Piss-yo-pants funny. And airy-fairy Secret keeping people? Not so funny.
I mean, really. Seriously. When was the last time you laughed with a yoga instructor? Hmmm?
Do you think the Universe is offended by the word fuck? Does the Universe thinks it’s funny to be referred to as “mah bitch”?
Holy fuck. Does the Universe GET MY JOKES??! Because, you see, if I suddenly have tapped into this all-manifesting power and stuff, some people out there could be seriously… well… fucked. I mean, when I tell Adam to go fuck himself – wait, bad example.
When I tell Amy to go…um…er… damn you people and your whorish ways.
OK, well what if I let fly some random joke about some random person going to fuck themselves? Or, um (why can’t I think of a joke that doesn’t involve cursing?!?)… um… suck my dick? No, wait, still cursing…
Dammit! OK, my POINT here is that I do want to be happy happy joy joy rolling in dough and glow and shit stuff. But I still want to be ME. I still want to brush my hair and bathe and wear synthetic fabrics. I want to drink and flip off strangers who cut me off and do that cute little thing where I let loose a whole string of vulgarity in that high pitched pekingese voice that makes it distasteful yet charming.
Internet, tell me. Help me out here. Hook a sister up with some TRUTH.
Can I be enlightened and abundant and magnificent, and still say Fuck?