What’s a title that says “try not to think of me as a whore”?

I was tagged with this meme by email.  And by IM.  And by phone.  Over and over and over again… by someone who was too chicken shit to actually do it themselves.

Whose got big balls?  Apparently, I’ve got big balls. Or teeny brains.  And no shame.  Mom?  Seriously?  Skip today’s entry and find a lovely ornament I made in the third grade or something.

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007?

Something is wrong with my labido lately.  I think I’ve gotten laid more in 2007 then I did the year I got married.

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE?

Technically, your car is private property, so as long as you remain in the vehicle you cannot be considered having sex in a public place.  I think.  So, um, no.

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?

Absolutely.  More than once.  As for why?  I think I did enough to humiliate those poor boys by laughing at them… there’s no need to explain why to the blogosphere.

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY?

Of course.  Once because I felt defeated.  And other times because I was overwhelmed with that emotion you’re supposed to be feeling when you have intimate relations with a boy.

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX?

If by cuddle you mean roll over and enjoy my own damn space… then, yes.

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE?

I’m trying to think of how many people I’ve had sex with that I did NOT regret…  1?  No, wait, maybe 2.  No, wait.  One.

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM?

If by faking you mean arching your back in a certain way and making a certain noise for a certain length of time just so it can be over so you can finally fucking go to SLEEP already because SOMEONE has to get up with kids in the morning… then, no.

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP?

Is it light out?  Because if it’s light out while you’re reading this, then absolutely freaking NOT.  If one wants to ever hear dirty talk in LIFE, one does not discuss dirty talk when it is light out.  Ever.

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX?

Unprotected not on purpose sex?  Have I posted pictures of my son on here??

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

I’m sorry Avi, but no, I do not.

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND?

*sigh*  AVi said this meme would not make me look like a whore.  I guess that means I don’t have to answer this question.

12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME?

No.  I don’t even have anything witty to say here.  Never close.  Never offered.  Never considered it.  Just… no.

13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX?

Not yet.

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX?

Oh, by the way, did I mention to any of you that my husband recently started reading this blog?  Because, he did, in case, y’know, I forgot to mention it.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKEN?

Not that I’m aware of.  And I have to think I would be aware, because I’m Fertile Myrtle.  Is that how you spell Myrtle?

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE?

All of the embarassing experiences I can think of happened AFTER sex.  Like, the next day.  When they don’t call.  Or run off into the sunset with you.  Or give you a raise.

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?

Very, very, very close to 16.

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW?

Prince.  I mean, er, my husband.  No, wait, Prince, don’t go!!!  PRINCE!!!!!

19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE?

Absofuckinglutely

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW?

Prince Prince Prince Prince Prince

21. HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS?

More than I can count on my fingers.  Less than how many shoes I own.

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR?

I used to.  I haven’t done it in… uh… 8 years??

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY TO?

We exchanged emails like 8 months ago.  We haven’t talked in… uh… 8 years??  Maybe longer.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

If I had, I wouldn’t admit it on a blog.  But, no, I haven’t.  No, really, I haven’t done that.  Ever.

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER?

Married one.

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD.

Some good, some bad, some things that make you go “what the fuck were these people THINKING?!?!”

27. LINGERIE.

I think I look ridiculous in lingerie.  I look like a 12 year old prostitute trying to play grown up.

28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER?

Fuckin’ Avi.  “No, Britt, do it, you won’t look like a whore at ALL.”  You SUCK Avi!!

29. WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX?
(x)park
(x)church
( )cemetery
(x)beach
( )boat
( )school
(x)parent’s bed
(x)your bed
(x)car
( )picnic table
(x)kitchen counter
(x)couch/chair
(x)dining room/kitchen table
(x)woods (open and/or in a tent)
( )hood of a car
(x)bathroom
(x)shower
( )bathtub
(x)the other person’s bed
( )porch/deck/balcony
(x)in a house with parents home
( )at a party
( )on top of the washer/dryer
(x)with other people in the room
(x)hotel
( )concert
(x)grandparent’s house (Man, kill me NOW, seriously, I’m going to hell… no, wait, in that case, don’t kill me NOW…)
(x)field
( )bleachers
( )bookstore stock room.
( )linen closet

I’m off to the paper now.  I have to place an ad.  For my freaking dignity.

(Mom?  Call me.)

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