In my ongoing efforts to appear more responsible and acquire more “stuff”, I have decided to attempt to set us up on a budget. Again.
I hate budgets. Hate. Hate. Hate.
The first part of the budget isn’t so bad. I go through the checkbook and bank records and list out our monthly bills – the things we spend money on that cause me absolutely zero guilt. My husband always freaks out at this point, which is dumb. It is also a very bad sign when your budget partner freaks the fuck out on step one.
Step 2 is determining how much “extra” we should be spending each month. In order to do this, you must first look at how much extra you currently ARE spending each month
And this is the point where I either:
a)break down in tears
b) throw up my hands in disgust
d) all of the above
Now, lest you think I am a spoiled little brat – let me try to explain myself. I grew up poor. Very, very poor. I think I have mentioned food bank cheese on here before and I think that pretty much sums it up.
The only thing worse than being poor is living poor.
If you’ve never been broke, you may not realize the little “luxuries” that lots of people – women especially – seem to take for granted. Things that, when you start to set a budget, suddenly seem less like little “luxuries” and more like the trappings of a pompous ass priss.
- Lunch – or rather, lunch out during the work week. $8 a day, no big deal. Except that’s $40 a week and over $200 a month. And my husband looks at me like I’m spoiling myself with food. A girl’s gotta fucking EAT – right???
- Eyebrow waxing – this is cheap. Ridiculously cheap when you go as few and far between as I do because you are insanely afraid of pain. And any woman would tell you it NEEDS to be done. Until you have to mark it down as a “need” on a budget.
- Hair cuts, colors, products, etc. Do men have ANY idea how much it COSTS just for the basic upkeep??? And I have thick curly ass hair – hair that can only be tamed by expensive ass Aveda product. I know this because I’ve tried every discount half-ass product out there. And they suck ass.
And let’s not even get into unexpected birthday presents, special occasions calling for an outfit I do not own, etc. etc. etc. Anyway, none of this sounds like that big of a deal. And it’s not. Or at least, it hasn’t been for a very long time for us.
And then I decided to do a budget and share the news with my husband. I told him I was trying to figure out what each of our “extra” amounts should be. And do you know what he suggested?
One hundred and fifty fucking dollars – a MONTH. To cover EVERYTHING that isn’t listed as a bill.
God help me, I KNOW I sound like a whiny sniveling little snot here – but DAMN!!! Even if I just bring lunches every day… ok, well, actually, that will help a shit ton… but STILL. I can see it now. I’m going to turn into a bushy browed, frizzy headed, grumpy old bitch.
And THAT isn’t even what bothers me. What bothers me is LIVING like I’m poor. Again. It makes me nauseous. It makes me feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. And to some I know it sounds like it’s about the “stuff” and the “things” and an inability to make mundane sacrifices.
But to some… to some of us we know… the crushing weight of that fucking elephant.
Ho. Ly. CRAP my writing has gotten boring.