For those of you who have any scrap of respect left for me? Leave now. Logout, go visit my renter, and pretend like you were never tempted here.
Are they gone? OK, good. For the rest of you – who relish the idea of me humiliating myself further… I cannot even believe I am doing this post. Really, I can’t.
Damn me and my “anything you can do, I can do better” stubborn streak. But anyway, here goes…
Brandon James – even though you damn near killed me when you broke my heart two years later, I’m still glad you were my first. Ironically, I decided you would be my first because I was pretty sure you were too soft and spineless to ever hurt me. You were safe. We were young and naive, but we loved each other as deeply as we possibly could at the time. You’ve proven to be a complete fuck-up at relationships since, but I still hold on to the memory of who and what you were to me. Some part of me – an important part of me – will always, always love you.
Justin M – my second experience couldn’t be more different from my first. I was so lost and broken from The Breakup. I was still stunned at the idea that there would ever be someone else. I didn’t even know who the hell you were until about half way through, thanks to a gallant effort to drink my pain away. You were the first in a long line of mistakes.
Justin B – God this is humbling. I slept with you on a bet, just to prove that I could. You were cocky and arrogant and got great satisfaction out of using and losing girls. Which is why I got such great satisfaction from taking your virginity, and pointing out to you how utterly horrible it was. It’s also why, when it happened again a year later, I laughed at the fact that I was still the only girl you’d been with.
Brad – you were not a complete disaster. It had been a while since I’d been with someone I didn’t have contempt for. Although in all honesty, the only reason I was even half ass interested in you at first is because everyone else thought you were The Hottest Guy Ever. I didn’t see what all the fuss was about – which I told you the night we met. And then I was sucked in by how much older you were, and “deeper” with your angst and intimate knowledge of music. You told me you loved me the first time we were together – and even though we both laughed because we knew it wasn’t true, it was sweet that you tried to play nice. Seeing you now makes me sad, because you’re exactly the same guy you were way back then – just with more angst.
I’m not sure of your name – I think it was Chad. Or something. You were a one time thing to prove to myself and to Brad that I was done. And oh so too cool and mature to get hung up on some guy just because he was older.
Jason – this shouldn’t even fucking count. You were an arrogant ass who couldn’t understand why someone wouldn’t be falling all over themselves to be with you. You only wanted me because I didn’t want you. No means no, asshole. And you’re damn lucky that I was too stupid to realize that trying to hold you accountable was worth the fight.
Jared, the teenager – I didn’t think I would ever fall in love again. I didn’t think I’d ever be whole again. It’s because of you that I know that I matter, that I’m worth something. You had just as “colorful” a past as I did, and yet with me – you insisted on waiting. You took me to the lady-doc. You told me that you loved me, and we both knew how huge that was because it was the first time that you’d said it. Again, I let myself fall with you because you were harmless. You acted so grateful to finally have a chance with me – I knew you’d never hurt me. I guess it’s true what they say… you only want what you can’t have. Your betrayal was unexpected, and there are days when I realize I’m still not completely over it.
Holy shit this is getting long…
Willy – the order starts to get blurry here because this was at the peak of my trampage. You gave up so much for a chance with me. Thank God your girlfriend took you back, and forgave us both. I was at your wedding a few years ago and it still kills me that I took advantage of your soft-hearted nature. But you could have never handled me in the long run. I’m glad you figured that out before it was too late.
Kris – the only thing significant about this encounter was that it was your first. And that I took a childhood friendship and turned it into something awkward for reasons I couldn’t even begin to understand.
DJ – first you were my boss, then I was part of your circle of friends. I was the young one who was eager to prove my independence. You seemed to know so much more than I did about everything. That one time was enough to remind me that older does not necessarily mean wiser, or better – about anything.
Nick – it was supposed to be fun. I had fun. You had fun. Everything was all good. But, telling my husband later how lucky he was – and explaining why? Not so much fun. He already knew about us, but he could have lived without the details. Dumb ass.
Chris – you were adorable, and sweet, and attentive. It was enough to make me overlook the fact that you were dumb as a box of rocks. But the two hour distance coupled with your inability to hold an intelligent conversation on the phone? The physical aspect just wasn’t enough to make up for that.
Clint – rotten bastard. Sleeping with you was my inner evil personified. The ONLY reason I slept with you was to get back at you for jerking me around and making me cry in high school. I cannot tell you the joy my girlfriends and I got when you would call me afterwards and I would make them tell you I wasn’t there, knowing you could hear me in the background. You were right to ask me not to laugh at your oddly shaped penis. You were stupid to think that I wouldn’t not only laugh – but tell every woman I knew so that she could laugh too. I hope you learned not to make girls cry.
Tommy – my official Spring Break Fling. Except, you stayed around all week long. You sought me out the first night, and I was so flattered when you came looking for me the next day. That week would not have been the same without you. You were a good note to end “single life” on.
Jared, the husband – nobody knows me like you. No one has ever loved or appreciated me the way that you do. And you love me – not anyways, not in spite of… you just do. You understand that my past – as sordid and stupid and shameful as it may be – is part of why I am who I am today.
Of course – it helps that your list would be wayyyy more sordid than this.
Holy fuck. I just realized I’ve been lying for the past several years when we play “I never” and the standard… “I’ve never slept with more than xxxx people” comes up.